The problem with crazy women

We have all dated that man. He is great. He fills the void he is exactly what you need at this point in your life. In the beginning everything seems Good. You do all the normal stuff some of which involves talking about each other's exs. Completely normal. Until you find out this ex hasn't left you alone in the last 6 months and she is ruining his life and he wants to drag me into the middle of the crazy? But I don't know it's crazy in the beginning heck I am so dense I don't even realize it's crazy until I am laying in my bed alone wishing I hadn't bailed on the event that was a plus one event but I couldn't go because my plus one can't go out. And instead of at least talking to him about it I am eating chocolate trying to figure out if she has ruined you today or if I have a shot at a conversation that isn't going to make me feel like worse about myself than I already do. 

Yes I want a salad. No I am not just being polite.

Let us just lay something out here in the open. Yes some women eat salads because they think it makes them look skinny or it's cheaper or something. I am not one of those women. If I order a salad on our date then I just thought it sounded good. Next time I might order a burger or shrimp. But today some good for me green veggies smothered in whatever dressing you hand me with cheese and an assortment of toppings is exactly how I want to eat. Trust me I didn't choose my eating habits for you. Not will I ever. We are both adults. So we can both eat whatever we want off the menu. Please stop with all the side comments about what I eat being a subtle sign. If you want to know what I think of the date or if I think we could do it again just ask. I have no problem with straight forward questions and answers. 

Thanks, 

Independent women everywhere! 

Should I be afraid??

Last week while I was in the Emergency room I was approached by students who have to do surveys and they need as many people as they can get. I told them I didn't mind answering their questions. They ended up being pretty basic questions. Was I scared? What was I there for? Could the hospital have done more for me? Was I comfortable? Then some stuff about my childhood like if I was abused or spent a lot of time in the hospital. There was one question that honestly has be thinking still. And I think you guys need to read about it. 

Are you afraid to die? 

I answered no without hesitation. I have never really been afraid to die. The idea of dieing doesn't scare me. The idea of being dead isn't scary to me either. I think part of me actually was surprised by myself that I answered so quickly. 

Here is my reasoning;

Why should I be afraid of something I don't have any control over. If I spend my life worrying about dieing then I will just be forgotten. If I spend my life making a difference I am much more likely to be remembered. What kind of a life did I live if I never change anyone or never touch someone's heart? 

Are you guys afraid to die?  Am I over looking some huge piece to this puzzle? 

To you,

I am not sure if you know this but you literally blow my mind. Between the two of us we have a saying that is an emotional orgasm. For the rest of you that is basically... Well it's... Hmm this is harder to explain. It's that moment when your heart feels like it might bubble over with emotions. Most of the time if it's an emotional orgasm the emotions are a connection or an understanding between two people. But sometimes it's the overwhelming feeling of caring or sometimes I have them with the realization of something. Over the last month that we have been ish in a relationship I have had more of these than I think I can count. 

Last night when I called you while in literal agony from the pain in my "left flank" as the hospital puts it. You told me you wouldn't stay all night. At first I was a little hurt but I realized I was being a story book woman for wanting you to stay if you didn't offer. I finally got some pain meds and then I was told I was staying for observation. You followed me upstairs in my gown where the stripe of blue undergarments was definitally visable. You had me settled and made sure the doctors knew what was going on. After a while you even crawled into bed with me and cuddled till I felt better. When my fever got to high you grabbed my nurse and when my stomach rejected all of the food I had eaten you held me and rubbed my back till I had nothing left. 

After a while I finally fell asleep and we were woken up for a vital check sometime in that grey area of late night or early morning. You said you should go home and I wished you well and thanked you. What you did next made my heart swell bigger than ever. You crawled under my heated blankets and layed right there with me till morning. You stayed. I mean we have adult sleep over a lot, ok maybe a little to frequently but having one in the hospital is a little different. You blew my mind. 

Now as we lay in my bed in my apartment I am having an emotional orgasm about you. I am blown away. You stayed last night. You take care of me. You spend time with me. You look at my photos. You understand sometimes. And if you don't you listen. You and I run different lives but somehow in this twisted crazy almost romantic world we live in they fit together like soggy puzzle pieces. I am struck with an over whelm in bubbling heart and I am falling hard. Christophe you amaze me. 

Disclaimer: I am not planning a wedding or a life together which normally I already have planned I am living for the day. I am emotionally connected to you and it blows my mind! One step at a time and this will stay the healthy fun easy going relationship we had... 

An honest breakdown

2014 is a quarter over… Can you even believe that time has gone by that quickly. I started 2014 on a page that I never thought I would have. Jess leaving has been a really long experience for me. That has been a lot of changes in my life since then. I can’t lie and say I am over it.

Since the quarter started in January I have made new friends and reconnected with an old friend. One of my new friends, Lets call him Christophe, in honor of my new favorite movie Frozen. He has been a God send. Someone that I really can talk to well and he takes some probing to just let me talk but we have a great time just talking. It is so surreal to have someone who you don’t have to explain the opinions to and someone who kind of feels the same way about life experiences. He is going through relationship difficulties as well so its great to get to talk about them with someone who can just listen and give an outside opinion. He very much loves this girl. I see it every time we talk about it. The other day we were drinking koolaid, (The pink lemonade flavor because that is the best). And just discussing life in general. I am melting down after hearing from Jess and being officially blocked on all social media, On her birthday she completely ignored me and didn’t even acknowledge the gift I had sent her (to be fair she sent me one too so it was required). I was basically letting him have it because I was so hurt over the whole experience. After a while of flying off the handle he said that he could really see how I loved her still and that I wasn’t anywhere near ready to move on like I wish I was. Well I had one of those moments where  what comes out of your own mouth completely surprises yourself. I basically told him that If you honestly love someone and you know that you cared for them and gave them every piece of you that  you have you don’t get over them. You always love those people. There is no reason to try and block it out. There is absolutely no reason to deny that you always care about them. Long story short he thought about it and decided that it was true! Eventutally you come to terms that you love them and they don’t love you back and its completely ok because true acts of love are not about being equal but about doing things that are hard for yourself for someone.  You can’t spend your whole life pinning away about these people in your life but you need to acknowledge the need for them and the fact that you don’t get over it.  And once again that is COMPLETELY OK to never stop loving someone, Just don’t stalk them…. That is a problem.

My public health message.

I am allowing myself to be taken out and to take people out too. I am not looking for someone just allowing myself to be open to going out more. What I am completely baffled by is we live in the era of equality, or so they say. We live in the world of split second decisions, and standing on your own two feet. So why do women feel that you need to be completely clung to. Why do you need someone to hold your hand through everything. Why can’t you do your own thing and just compliment each other instead of feeling like  you need to match perfectly I have a new feeling that I am questioning about Why are women are trying to be Disney princess and women from chick flicks. Why do they think that will work?

 When women are single they stand up for themselves and don’t allow people to treat them like dirt. When women are single they pay their bills and cook for themselves and do the dishes while working and or going to school. Then all of the sudden women cling to this guy that they thing will love them forever they pretend to be this little dainty thing that can’t lift a finger to open a door or that its not ok to pay for coffee occasionally. I can’t stand it. I love being wined and dined, I love having the door held and being told to go first, I love turning up at a coffee shop and having my coffee sitting on the table waiting for me. But If that happens all the time then its annoying. It’s an understanding in all of my relationships that If you show up first you buy coffee If I show up first I will buy your coffee. If we walk up to a door and I am two steps ahead of you I will not stand there and wait for you to open the door but I will hold the door for you and expect the same from you. We are equal. We are both adults, We both can do our own thing and are attempting to find a balance of including someone else into your social circle. It’s ok for me to buy drinks this time when you buy dinner tomorrow night.  Women you need to learn that the story book roll doesn’t work anymore! Don’t give into rude men, or women. Don’t let someone tell you what you are going to do today. Stand up for yourself and know that you can be allowed to drive occasionally or you can plan and pay for a date. But you better understand that he needs to be doing the same thing. It might take some getting use to for him as well it hurts their man pride to allow a women to take care of them sometimes. But if he shows up with coffee for you because he knows you are a wreck without it and if he kicks you out at the end of the night instead of inviting you to stay the night you better put in an effort and you treat him the say way that relationship is healthy. Run with it. Don’t plan your wedding two weeks, 3 months or even 1 year in. Allow life to just come and experience it as it come. Don’t waste time and don’t ruin it for yourself.

I smiled today.

I am really sorry about being completely MIA for an entire month. Needless to say I haven't had much to say anyways. School, work, photography, I was just going through the motions. I tried being by myself. I tried constantly being around people. I tried losing my self. I tried rebounds. I have tried ALOT of things. I am finding I actually kind of like who I am now. Here is the thing that is really baffling my mind right now. Why did I hate myself so much when I was with her? Its because she made me feel like someone who was terrible. No matter who I tried to be or what I tried to do I could always be doing this or should have done that. The only thing she ever loved was be breaking up her brother. I love her! and honestly if she called I would do anything for her and she knows it. but I am making friends. I have people who care about me and tell me the things I do are cool and enjoy seeing me. and hang out with me. People who like to talk to me and just call me because. Who think of me because they wonder if I am doing ok. I have GREAT people in my life. I know who I want to be today and that will change 15 times before noon tomorrow and that is COMPLETELY OK!!! I am still hurt and little things still set me off! but I am here. I am planning so many travel trips and photo excursions I can't even count them or begin to tell you about them. I mean if you want an idea go check out my Pinterest. I typically tend to pin them all anyways! I know what I want and I have a plan to get there. I am an adult and I am learning that you trip you fall and you pick yourself back up. That is the thing in life you learn to love. The greatest part is: I DO NOT NEED A MAN, A WOMEN, OR ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ANYMORE!!! I am a strong independent women and I can be that person by myself standing on my own two feet without another person on my spot light or even near my spot light. I LOVE IT!!!

Go out today do something that makes you feel empowered. make your self happy and make yourself smile! Do it. do it everyday! You will be so much happier and you will go in a direction you never thought possible! Smile genuinely!