Well out with 2013 and in with 2014.

I am in complete shock. You all know about my girlfriend who I share a small studio apartment with. Well she is with me no more. We flew home to visit family for Christmas; on Christmas she text me and said that she wasn't flying home with me. I mean we had fought before and she had said that she was moving back home but when the fight ended we normally just knew that didn't really mean anything. Well I am sitting in the airport flying from Indiana to Philadelphia all by myself. I just don't even know what to do. I am so hurt! How can you love someone so much and do everything they ask and they still just throw you out the window. I am just beside myself.

We had a life. We had a plan. I thought we were happy. I offered to do anything I could to make this better. I promised to do whatever she wants. I am amazed that this has now happened to me twice! How do I go back to our apartment and live our life like nothing is wrong. I cry myself to sleep every night since. How do I pretend there is nothing wrong? How do I go on? I am so heavy. There is this terrible weight sitting inside my stomach that half the times threatens to make me throw up everything I have eaten in the last 12 days. The rest of the time it just reminds me how much I hurt. How much I feel like I am missing a piece of me. This is terrible. and I am just at a complete loss of what to do. I am in so much pain!

Can December be half over already?

I realized today that in 9 days I am headed back home for the last week of 2013. How can that be! Didn't I just move to Philly? I just started school, I just moved away from home how does this even happen so fast! I mean it has definitely been one hell of a crazy year. So much has happened and changed and I wouldn't take it back for anything. I am just completely through by how much this year has flown by.

After getting over the shock that the year is literally like 2 weeks from being over. I decided I should do my new years resolutions. When I said this to Jess she said "Why do them, they never get accomplished anyways. It is just one more thing to set yourself up to fail on." I don't know why I love New years resolutions so much. You are right I probably rarely accomplish to many of them but I really love the idea of New years resolutions. Having a goal for all year, something to accomplish and count upon, I think I love them almost as much as I like the idea of Valentines day.
 So I created mine. I wrote them all out in colored marker and tapped them to the closet door where I can't miss them. As the closet door says:
I Emma Austin in 2014 will...
Do Yoga once a week for a year
Turn 20 years old
Research 52 photographers and do a picture in their style
Once a week give someone my bus fare and walk my happy ass home
Stay on Budget
Be an A student with perfect attendance
Learn to Roll with the punches
Listen better and talk less rude to people
Believe in myself and photography so it will take me to the top
Do my part in Cleaning up after myself
Not buy any book that the library has
Obtain a kitchen table and one new photo accessory
Focus more on what I put into my body
Once a money do something fun and spontaneous
Travel (Down the street, Across town, Home, Cross Country, abroad, It doesn't matter- Just go)
Stop talking about my problems (notice this does not say stop blogging about.. )
Be eccentric and Happy
Finish 5 books
Finish the 52 week capture challenge
and
Remember 12 months, 52 weeks, 364 days, 8,736 hours till next year so make it count.

They should definitely be challenging but I Think they are all reasonable. I do not know if I will accomplish any of them but its the idea of possibly being able to say I did it. What are your new years resolutions? Do people still even make resolutions for new years? What do you think?

The more I learn the more I know...

As you know already I am a college student. Well this week is finals (Let me just state an UGH!!! for the loathing of final projects and papers.) I have been successfully putting off my ethics paper for weeks now. I now have 3 hours and 9 minutes till this paper is due. Another 4 pages to write. sources to cite and a cover page to create, but instead of writing that I think I will blog a little.

My Ethics paper is on sexual morality. I have done some research and I always knew my opinion on it but the more I learn the more I know I am suppose to be away from my family. I am from Indiana. One of the most close minded places you will ever visit. Not only is being gay wrong, but casual sex will basically send you straight to hell. O My could you image if my family found out I don't believe in the God they worship daily. I mean I know they are worried about my soul but I am not.

I just can't understand being that close minded. I am worried to go home now. Hell if they knew all the things I do and would do then I would surely send my mother to an early grave. I am a strong believer in casual sex, moving in with someone (before marriage gasp!), I am dating a girl and we have sex (in my opinion a lot) and we aren't married, I have tattoos and piercings. I am scared to think of the person I would be if I was stuck in that place! I am so glad I am in a place with open minded people. I can live my life and be exactly who I want to be and who I determine to be the best for me. I can create my own ideals and decide for myself instead of being spoon fed all of the shit they believe and I don't.

My tears

I am having a rough couple of days, I am going from 1800 dollars in my account to 40. My girlfriend asked for one thing for Christmas. A Phillies hat. I now have 10 dollars in my account. I have 3 weeks to come up with my 2900 dollars a month instead of 4 weeks. I am flying home with money and I know its not fair but Jess isn't helping today. When she moved in September we put $550 dollars in savings. She has been spending this money... We agreed to put it back so that we had money for January and February when my tips at work would be slower and I might not have enough time to come up with the rent, school payments, grocery bill, phone bills, internet, and living expenses. But here is a problem. She is spending that last 230 dollars we still have... How in the Hell am I suppose to keep everything together when the biggest thing that keeps me up at night she keeps fucking with. I asked her to pay for one thing. Her phone bill. I paid for the last part of her phone bill. She doesn't pay for food, she can spend her money on anything. 

Today I wanted coffee. I literally do not have a dollar to my name that I can spend. I love her to death and I want to take care of her and get her what she needs but I am drowning and when we talk about it she gets so upset she shuts down and that doesn't do any of us any good. 

It will get better... I will make ends meet... but right now I am not even paying my school bills... 

I am taking deep breaths and trying to make it work. 

Can I be out of words already?

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I really did enjoy myself but it is so hard to be away from my family. I survived Thanksgiving, Black friday and so far most of the weekend without to much of a meltdown about being homesick and we are calling that a success. I have neglected doing any home, house or other work for that matter so guess who will be up all night getting things accomplished. That is me. I should really learn to stop procrastinating. Who am I kidding. The day I learn to do things on time is the same day I learn to keep track of my keys. And that is a lost cause! 

On a much happier note than what I am feeling this evening... Have you ever eaten Cinnamon bread? Well I might have to learn to make this stuff. I am becoming a serious addict. I wonder if its hard? 

For once in my life I am wordless. I guess I will post later if you are listening? If you are reading???? if you even exist??? Who are you???

Today I am trying one of those movie scene things. I am sitting in Barnes and Nobles blogging. Only there is a problem in the movies there is no annoying teenagers talking really loudly in front of them. I mean I am just reassuring myself that my life is no movie. Any ways the reason for my post today. It is the day before Thanksgiving. I am really ridiculously sad. I have missed thanksgiving with my family before but I am ridiculously sad to be missing Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. This is the first year I am not living at home for all of those. I know it is part of living away from home but damn I miss hating going to  Aunt's and spending Christmas with cousins we never see. The crazy running around and getting dressed up. but I miss the spending time with my family. I miss my siblings. Elissa will be moving away soon. she is a sophomore only a couple more years and she won't be at home either. I am glad that life is going and we are doing our own things but I really miss them! I really miss the dynamic we had last Christmas. Its just hard I guess. I am counting days till we head home on December 24th. I can't wait to see them.

Tiny notebooks, vanilla coffee, memory cards, and tears.

I have let the idea of running a blog run around in my head so many times I don't even think I can count them anymore. I know lots of people who blog. I mean heck its such a normal thing in culture now its like asking what your last name is. Hello I am Emma Austin and my blog address is... Every time I think about writing a blog I wonder the same things what the heck will I write about? Who the hell wants to listen to my life any more than I already talk about it? and of course do I really have time to update and remember to check another site on my never ending lists of sites I can't remember now? You know I have tried blogging before well actually I have tried a lot of things before. I am one of those people who jumps head first into everything she thinks might be exciting and fun to try. Then the honeymoon phases where off and I either lose interest, or run out of time to do that project too. It then becomes a new addition to the pile of "Things I will pick up again one day," but recently I have been thinking about it way more than normal. My head is full of those movie voices of girls sitting at their kitchen table writing late into the night drinking tea and some awesome narrator saying in perfect English what they are thinking and of course they never have to hit delete or stop to think about what really needs to be said.  I know I need a blog for my photography so I want to start that too but is it really safe to start my very first blog with things my clients will see or should I do a personal blog first? I am sure you figured out I am trying the personal blog first since you are basically about to read my dating profile. So here goes nothing..
I am 19 I live 12 hours from my family in Philadelphia. I grew up in this little bitty town called Converse, IN. I have 3 siblings and my parents are still married. I have a crazy dating history and one hell of a story of how I met my current girlfriend. She is from Indiana as well. We live in this efficiency apartment, If you have ever lived in an efficiency you know there is nothing efficient about a tiny one room apartment, in the basement of a house full of bigger apartments. I am in school for photography. I am really not sure that school is where I need to be but after my fiance' and I broke up over a year ago my parents said I needed to go to school. I had a full time job but when your parents keep asking you to go to school and are making you feel like you have screwed up your life already you just go on with it. so just over 11 months ago I picked up my 18 year old ass up and moved 12 hours from home and started a new job, have made new friends, and am attending school so I can get a bachelor's degree in something that I love.
I am a coffee addict and I can't decided if it is from the caffeine or the copious amounts of milk and sugar that go in my coffee. I have a huge addiction to sweets. That includes coffee, candy, fruit, sugar, well really anything really sugary. I try really hard to remember to work out but that is not really a thing I seem to remember in my life very often. I have so many emotions it's not even healthy. I can't watch a movie without crying. I mean cartoons, horror, chick flick, or humor. I always get attached to the characters and end up crying at some point or another. Books are not much better normally I end up in a complete balling heaving mess laying on my girlfriend's chest.
I work two jobs and take 20 credit hours in college. So no matter how many movie scenes I image in my head about long days blogging in the coffee shop that prolly won't happen. I run around from one thing to the next way too much and I don't have internet at home. I have a lack of follow through but we are working on that.  Hopefully this is the start of new follow through.

I don't recommend holding your breath for that.