Yes I want a salad. No I am not just being polite.

Let us just lay something out here in the open. Yes some women eat salads because they think it makes them look skinny or it's cheaper or something. I am not one of those women. If I order a salad on our date then I just thought it sounded good. Next time I might order a burger or shrimp. But today some good for me green veggies smothered in whatever dressing you hand me with cheese and an assortment of toppings is exactly how I want to eat. Trust me I didn't choose my eating habits for you. Not will I ever. We are both adults. So we can both eat whatever we want off the menu. Please stop with all the side comments about what I eat being a subtle sign. If you want to know what I think of the date or if I think we could do it again just ask. I have no problem with straight forward questions and answers. 

Thanks, 

Independent women everywhere! 

Should I be afraid??

Last week while I was in the Emergency room I was approached by students who have to do surveys and they need as many people as they can get. I told them I didn't mind answering their questions. They ended up being pretty basic questions. Was I scared? What was I there for? Could the hospital have done more for me? Was I comfortable? Then some stuff about my childhood like if I was abused or spent a lot of time in the hospital. There was one question that honestly has be thinking still. And I think you guys need to read about it. 

Are you afraid to die? 

I answered no without hesitation. I have never really been afraid to die. The idea of dieing doesn't scare me. The idea of being dead isn't scary to me either. I think part of me actually was surprised by myself that I answered so quickly. 

Here is my reasoning;

Why should I be afraid of something I don't have any control over. If I spend my life worrying about dieing then I will just be forgotten. If I spend my life making a difference I am much more likely to be remembered. What kind of a life did I live if I never change anyone or never touch someone's heart? 

Are you guys afraid to die?  Am I over looking some huge piece to this puzzle? 

To you,

I am not sure if you know this but you literally blow my mind. Between the two of us we have a saying that is an emotional orgasm. For the rest of you that is basically... Well it's... Hmm this is harder to explain. It's that moment when your heart feels like it might bubble over with emotions. Most of the time if it's an emotional orgasm the emotions are a connection or an understanding between two people. But sometimes it's the overwhelming feeling of caring or sometimes I have them with the realization of something. Over the last month that we have been ish in a relationship I have had more of these than I think I can count. 

Last night when I called you while in literal agony from the pain in my "left flank" as the hospital puts it. You told me you wouldn't stay all night. At first I was a little hurt but I realized I was being a story book woman for wanting you to stay if you didn't offer. I finally got some pain meds and then I was told I was staying for observation. You followed me upstairs in my gown where the stripe of blue undergarments was definitally visable. You had me settled and made sure the doctors knew what was going on. After a while you even crawled into bed with me and cuddled till I felt better. When my fever got to high you grabbed my nurse and when my stomach rejected all of the food I had eaten you held me and rubbed my back till I had nothing left. 

After a while I finally fell asleep and we were woken up for a vital check sometime in that grey area of late night or early morning. You said you should go home and I wished you well and thanked you. What you did next made my heart swell bigger than ever. You crawled under my heated blankets and layed right there with me till morning. You stayed. I mean we have adult sleep over a lot, ok maybe a little to frequently but having one in the hospital is a little different. You blew my mind. 

Now as we lay in my bed in my apartment I am having an emotional orgasm about you. I am blown away. You stayed last night. You take care of me. You spend time with me. You look at my photos. You understand sometimes. And if you don't you listen. You and I run different lives but somehow in this twisted crazy almost romantic world we live in they fit together like soggy puzzle pieces. I am struck with an over whelm in bubbling heart and I am falling hard. Christophe you amaze me. 

Disclaimer: I am not planning a wedding or a life together which normally I already have planned I am living for the day. I am emotionally connected to you and it blows my mind! One step at a time and this will stay the healthy fun easy going relationship we had... 

An honest breakdown

2014 is a quarter over… Can you even believe that time has gone by that quickly. I started 2014 on a page that I never thought I would have. Jess leaving has been a really long experience for me. That has been a lot of changes in my life since then. I can’t lie and say I am over it.

Since the quarter started in January I have made new friends and reconnected with an old friend. One of my new friends, Lets call him Christophe, in honor of my new favorite movie Frozen. He has been a God send. Someone that I really can talk to well and he takes some probing to just let me talk but we have a great time just talking. It is so surreal to have someone who you don’t have to explain the opinions to and someone who kind of feels the same way about life experiences. He is going through relationship difficulties as well so its great to get to talk about them with someone who can just listen and give an outside opinion. He very much loves this girl. I see it every time we talk about it. The other day we were drinking koolaid, (The pink lemonade flavor because that is the best). And just discussing life in general. I am melting down after hearing from Jess and being officially blocked on all social media, On her birthday she completely ignored me and didn’t even acknowledge the gift I had sent her (to be fair she sent me one too so it was required). I was basically letting him have it because I was so hurt over the whole experience. After a while of flying off the handle he said that he could really see how I loved her still and that I wasn’t anywhere near ready to move on like I wish I was. Well I had one of those moments where  what comes out of your own mouth completely surprises yourself. I basically told him that If you honestly love someone and you know that you cared for them and gave them every piece of you that  you have you don’t get over them. You always love those people. There is no reason to try and block it out. There is absolutely no reason to deny that you always care about them. Long story short he thought about it and decided that it was true! Eventutally you come to terms that you love them and they don’t love you back and its completely ok because true acts of love are not about being equal but about doing things that are hard for yourself for someone.  You can’t spend your whole life pinning away about these people in your life but you need to acknowledge the need for them and the fact that you don’t get over it.  And once again that is COMPLETELY OK to never stop loving someone, Just don’t stalk them…. That is a problem.

My public health message.

I am allowing myself to be taken out and to take people out too. I am not looking for someone just allowing myself to be open to going out more. What I am completely baffled by is we live in the era of equality, or so they say. We live in the world of split second decisions, and standing on your own two feet. So why do women feel that you need to be completely clung to. Why do you need someone to hold your hand through everything. Why can’t you do your own thing and just compliment each other instead of feeling like  you need to match perfectly I have a new feeling that I am questioning about Why are women are trying to be Disney princess and women from chick flicks. Why do they think that will work?

 When women are single they stand up for themselves and don’t allow people to treat them like dirt. When women are single they pay their bills and cook for themselves and do the dishes while working and or going to school. Then all of the sudden women cling to this guy that they thing will love them forever they pretend to be this little dainty thing that can’t lift a finger to open a door or that its not ok to pay for coffee occasionally. I can’t stand it. I love being wined and dined, I love having the door held and being told to go first, I love turning up at a coffee shop and having my coffee sitting on the table waiting for me. But If that happens all the time then its annoying. It’s an understanding in all of my relationships that If you show up first you buy coffee If I show up first I will buy your coffee. If we walk up to a door and I am two steps ahead of you I will not stand there and wait for you to open the door but I will hold the door for you and expect the same from you. We are equal. We are both adults, We both can do our own thing and are attempting to find a balance of including someone else into your social circle. It’s ok for me to buy drinks this time when you buy dinner tomorrow night.  Women you need to learn that the story book roll doesn’t work anymore! Don’t give into rude men, or women. Don’t let someone tell you what you are going to do today. Stand up for yourself and know that you can be allowed to drive occasionally or you can plan and pay for a date. But you better understand that he needs to be doing the same thing. It might take some getting use to for him as well it hurts their man pride to allow a women to take care of them sometimes. But if he shows up with coffee for you because he knows you are a wreck without it and if he kicks you out at the end of the night instead of inviting you to stay the night you better put in an effort and you treat him the say way that relationship is healthy. Run with it. Don’t plan your wedding two weeks, 3 months or even 1 year in. Allow life to just come and experience it as it come. Don’t waste time and don’t ruin it for yourself.

I smiled today.

I am really sorry about being completely MIA for an entire month. Needless to say I haven't had much to say anyways. School, work, photography, I was just going through the motions. I tried being by myself. I tried constantly being around people. I tried losing my self. I tried rebounds. I have tried ALOT of things. I am finding I actually kind of like who I am now. Here is the thing that is really baffling my mind right now. Why did I hate myself so much when I was with her? Its because she made me feel like someone who was terrible. No matter who I tried to be or what I tried to do I could always be doing this or should have done that. The only thing she ever loved was be breaking up her brother. I love her! and honestly if she called I would do anything for her and she knows it. but I am making friends. I have people who care about me and tell me the things I do are cool and enjoy seeing me. and hang out with me. People who like to talk to me and just call me because. Who think of me because they wonder if I am doing ok. I have GREAT people in my life. I know who I want to be today and that will change 15 times before noon tomorrow and that is COMPLETELY OK!!! I am still hurt and little things still set me off! but I am here. I am planning so many travel trips and photo excursions I can't even count them or begin to tell you about them. I mean if you want an idea go check out my Pinterest. I typically tend to pin them all anyways! I know what I want and I have a plan to get there. I am an adult and I am learning that you trip you fall and you pick yourself back up. That is the thing in life you learn to love. The greatest part is: I DO NOT NEED A MAN, A WOMEN, OR ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ANYMORE!!! I am a strong independent women and I can be that person by myself standing on my own two feet without another person on my spot light or even near my spot light. I LOVE IT!!!

Go out today do something that makes you feel empowered. make your self happy and make yourself smile! Do it. do it everyday! You will be so much happier and you will go in a direction you never thought possible! Smile genuinely!

I still...

I still expect you to walk in the front door. I still expect your arms to wrap around me when I lay down to sleep. I still hope it's you when my phone rings. I still expect to see you grin and take a picture when I do something wierd. I still turn a corner and hope to see you standing there. I still get out the shower expecting you to ask me what movie we are watching. I still cook enough for two so when you get home you can eat too. I still turn around in the morning for my kiss to see your not laying there. I still say I am over you and am reminded everyday I am not. And I am not sure I ever will be. We are going on 2 months and I can't shake you from my brain or my memories. I still love you. 

My night is not sun shining

What makes it harder and harder is when that piece of hope slips. Every once in a while you feel it. You know you are holding into bad hope but then all of the sudden with no warning or note the hope pieces crumble like egg shells. There is no picking them back up and there is ok making it work. I want to so bad I want to glue all the pieces together and I want it to go back I want to rewind. I want my hope back I want to believe again. I can't. The world is terrible and everything about it is just as bad. I am such a bitch recently. But hell how can anyone else love me. Fuck I hate myself so there is no way. I know why I don't have friends and I am trying. It's freaking in possible.

I am going to wallow in alcohol and alice in wonderland. Have a great snow day Philadelphia. 

Em

My first surreal photograph

Ok guys I need someone to let me know what they think of this image. I can't post it on my normal critique page for fear of being judged about the content.  So good bad indifferent let me know what you think?? Please haha

Today's question

Today's question that is causing more anxiety than I care to say is who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What path do I take? I am just completely thrown. Its like every part of me wants to do so many different things. I feel like I am at that one part of a jigsaw puzzle where you have enough pieces put together to know that they are all there and they will go together but which piece goes where?  Part of me wants to move home and live in my parents house. I also want to move to Indy and live with a friend of mine and her family. Then I want to prove everyone wrong and make one hell of a home for myself in Philadelphia. I want to finish school then head to some other really exotic city. Today I want to hurry and finish school then move away just completely throw myself into traveling. I mean pick up and leave. Go somewhere and just wander my way around. No plans and nothing holding me anywhere. How do you make a choice. Everyday my life makes a choice and everyday and choice decides where I am going in life. How do you know you are making the right choice? what if I get part of the way down this road and I realize its not for me? Is it to late to back up and start over? UGH!!! How do you know!? How do you choose!? Help!!

Also check this out. I love it!

Why to never date a girl who travels. (Follow the link)

https://medium.com/better-humans/802c49b9141c

Don't forget I still need help!!!

I am struck by irony today.

As I attempt to figure out my style of photography, of who I want to be, as I struggle with so many questions like this I have been scouring the Internet for work to look at. I have skimming books and watching hot to videos. I am reading articles and wishing I had more creativity and skill ( I am aware that I have to work to get to these skills. Well my heart has been completely stolen by surrealism photography. The idea of conceptual photography and being able to create your work to be whatever you want to be. creating something out of nothing. The idea of being able to get a concept across in one picture is so impressive to me and I hope that I can do it one day!

the irony comes in now! As I brain storm day after day I am just trying to get the thoughts out on paper then I go back and attempt to decipher what I have written down. I realized today that I am in a field of pictures. I spend all day looking at pictures but when I look at my notes it is all words. I can't doodle or even get the pictures out of my head but when I look at the words I can see the image. I just thought that was funny.

Have a great day guys! And tell someone thank you! It really makes a difference.

The Butterfly Effect

It is literally so crazy how one thing can set off a whole string of things to change and develop in your life. Last time I wrote you all knew that Jess and I had just broken up. Well I have been single for almost 3 weeks now. I know its pathetic that I am keeping track. I am sure that will subside as the pain continues to leave. Right now I am getting back to normal. Days have become something I look forward to again. I am sleeping at night a little and I even smile some at real things. I can't lie and tell you that I don't miss her. I still believe we belong together but I am moving on by myself and I am making it work. Every break up has a thing you use as a tool to get over it. Sometimes those are rebounds, sometimes is throwing yourself into a project, sometimes its just being depressed for a while. Every relationship I have ever been in has been completely different. This one get a song, actually there is a whole play list of songs but one that sticks out particularly; "Stand Beside Me" By: Jo Dee Messina. The best line in the whole thing is: 


I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three timesI ended up south of Memphis workin' down in RiversideI may not be so lucky in loveBut the one thing I'm sure of


This literally has brought me more piece in the last few weeks than I can even being to explain. I have repainted my apartment, I am working a lot more. I am reading again like I use to. I am starting school again tomorrow and I am becoming happy with my own skin. I am working on it. Some nights I still cry, some days I still wish I was going home to her, and a lot of the time I still want to talk to her and be with her and support her through everything. but, I am moving on. I am making plans, I have reconnected with a friend from high school and we are talking all the time. I missed her so much! I am working on a road map of plans for my photography, my life, my goals, and what I want to do with myself. 

I guess the point is that it was ok that for two weeks I barely breathed, its ok that I ate only when I remembered occasionally, its ok that I am morning and was literally not ok for two weeks. When you break up everyone says to just pick up the pieces and move on that's the best thing to do. but I will always give everyone I talk to a two week pitty party before I try to do anything that they don't want to. my two weeks is way over due and I am going on. It is difficult but I am so happy I am.