The Butterfly Effect

It is literally so crazy how one thing can set off a whole string of things to change and develop in your life. Last time I wrote you all knew that Jess and I had just broken up. Well I have been single for almost 3 weeks now. I know its pathetic that I am keeping track. I am sure that will subside as the pain continues to leave. Right now I am getting back to normal. Days have become something I look forward to again. I am sleeping at night a little and I even smile some at real things. I can't lie and tell you that I don't miss her. I still believe we belong together but I am moving on by myself and I am making it work. Every break up has a thing you use as a tool to get over it. Sometimes those are rebounds, sometimes is throwing yourself into a project, sometimes its just being depressed for a while. Every relationship I have ever been in has been completely different. This one get a song, actually there is a whole play list of songs but one that sticks out particularly; "Stand Beside Me" By: Jo Dee Messina. The best line in the whole thing is: 


I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three timesI ended up south of Memphis workin' down in RiversideI may not be so lucky in loveBut the one thing I'm sure of


This literally has brought me more piece in the last few weeks than I can even being to explain. I have repainted my apartment, I am working a lot more. I am reading again like I use to. I am starting school again tomorrow and I am becoming happy with my own skin. I am working on it. Some nights I still cry, some days I still wish I was going home to her, and a lot of the time I still want to talk to her and be with her and support her through everything. but, I am moving on. I am making plans, I have reconnected with a friend from high school and we are talking all the time. I missed her so much! I am working on a road map of plans for my photography, my life, my goals, and what I want to do with myself. 

I guess the point is that it was ok that for two weeks I barely breathed, its ok that I ate only when I remembered occasionally, its ok that I am morning and was literally not ok for two weeks. When you break up everyone says to just pick up the pieces and move on that's the best thing to do. but I will always give everyone I talk to a two week pitty party before I try to do anything that they don't want to. my two weeks is way over due and I am going on. It is difficult but I am so happy I am. 

My tears

I am having a rough couple of days, I am going from 1800 dollars in my account to 40. My girlfriend asked for one thing for Christmas. A Phillies hat. I now have 10 dollars in my account. I have 3 weeks to come up with my 2900 dollars a month instead of 4 weeks. I am flying home with money and I know its not fair but Jess isn't helping today. When she moved in September we put $550 dollars in savings. She has been spending this money... We agreed to put it back so that we had money for January and February when my tips at work would be slower and I might not have enough time to come up with the rent, school payments, grocery bill, phone bills, internet, and living expenses. But here is a problem. She is spending that last 230 dollars we still have... How in the Hell am I suppose to keep everything together when the biggest thing that keeps me up at night she keeps fucking with. I asked her to pay for one thing. Her phone bill. I paid for the last part of her phone bill. She doesn't pay for food, she can spend her money on anything. 

Today I wanted coffee. I literally do not have a dollar to my name that I can spend. I love her to death and I want to take care of her and get her what she needs but I am drowning and when we talk about it she gets so upset she shuts down and that doesn't do any of us any good. 

It will get better... I will make ends meet... but right now I am not even paying my school bills... 

I am taking deep breaths and trying to make it work.