My public health message.

I am allowing myself to be taken out and to take people out too. I am not looking for someone just allowing myself to be open to going out more. What I am completely baffled by is we live in the era of equality, or so they say. We live in the world of split second decisions, and standing on your own two feet. So why do women feel that you need to be completely clung to. Why do you need someone to hold your hand through everything. Why can’t you do your own thing and just compliment each other instead of feeling like  you need to match perfectly I have a new feeling that I am questioning about Why are women are trying to be Disney princess and women from chick flicks. Why do they think that will work?

 When women are single they stand up for themselves and don’t allow people to treat them like dirt. When women are single they pay their bills and cook for themselves and do the dishes while working and or going to school. Then all of the sudden women cling to this guy that they thing will love them forever they pretend to be this little dainty thing that can’t lift a finger to open a door or that its not ok to pay for coffee occasionally. I can’t stand it. I love being wined and dined, I love having the door held and being told to go first, I love turning up at a coffee shop and having my coffee sitting on the table waiting for me. But If that happens all the time then its annoying. It’s an understanding in all of my relationships that If you show up first you buy coffee If I show up first I will buy your coffee. If we walk up to a door and I am two steps ahead of you I will not stand there and wait for you to open the door but I will hold the door for you and expect the same from you. We are equal. We are both adults, We both can do our own thing and are attempting to find a balance of including someone else into your social circle. It’s ok for me to buy drinks this time when you buy dinner tomorrow night.  Women you need to learn that the story book roll doesn’t work anymore! Don’t give into rude men, or women. Don’t let someone tell you what you are going to do today. Stand up for yourself and know that you can be allowed to drive occasionally or you can plan and pay for a date. But you better understand that he needs to be doing the same thing. It might take some getting use to for him as well it hurts their man pride to allow a women to take care of them sometimes. But if he shows up with coffee for you because he knows you are a wreck without it and if he kicks you out at the end of the night instead of inviting you to stay the night you better put in an effort and you treat him the say way that relationship is healthy. Run with it. Don’t plan your wedding two weeks, 3 months or even 1 year in. Allow life to just come and experience it as it come. Don’t waste time and don’t ruin it for yourself.

Today's question

Today's question that is causing more anxiety than I care to say is who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What path do I take? I am just completely thrown. Its like every part of me wants to do so many different things. I feel like I am at that one part of a jigsaw puzzle where you have enough pieces put together to know that they are all there and they will go together but which piece goes where?  Part of me wants to move home and live in my parents house. I also want to move to Indy and live with a friend of mine and her family. Then I want to prove everyone wrong and make one hell of a home for myself in Philadelphia. I want to finish school then head to some other really exotic city. Today I want to hurry and finish school then move away just completely throw myself into traveling. I mean pick up and leave. Go somewhere and just wander my way around. No plans and nothing holding me anywhere. How do you make a choice. Everyday my life makes a choice and everyday and choice decides where I am going in life. How do you know you are making the right choice? what if I get part of the way down this road and I realize its not for me? Is it to late to back up and start over? UGH!!! How do you know!? How do you choose!? Help!!

Also check this out. I love it!

Why to never date a girl who travels. (Follow the link)

https://medium.com/better-humans/802c49b9141c

Don't forget I still need help!!!

The Butterfly Effect

It is literally so crazy how one thing can set off a whole string of things to change and develop in your life. Last time I wrote you all knew that Jess and I had just broken up. Well I have been single for almost 3 weeks now. I know its pathetic that I am keeping track. I am sure that will subside as the pain continues to leave. Right now I am getting back to normal. Days have become something I look forward to again. I am sleeping at night a little and I even smile some at real things. I can't lie and tell you that I don't miss her. I still believe we belong together but I am moving on by myself and I am making it work. Every break up has a thing you use as a tool to get over it. Sometimes those are rebounds, sometimes is throwing yourself into a project, sometimes its just being depressed for a while. Every relationship I have ever been in has been completely different. This one get a song, actually there is a whole play list of songs but one that sticks out particularly; "Stand Beside Me" By: Jo Dee Messina. The best line in the whole thing is: 


I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three timesI ended up south of Memphis workin' down in RiversideI may not be so lucky in loveBut the one thing I'm sure of


This literally has brought me more piece in the last few weeks than I can even being to explain. I have repainted my apartment, I am working a lot more. I am reading again like I use to. I am starting school again tomorrow and I am becoming happy with my own skin. I am working on it. Some nights I still cry, some days I still wish I was going home to her, and a lot of the time I still want to talk to her and be with her and support her through everything. but, I am moving on. I am making plans, I have reconnected with a friend from high school and we are talking all the time. I missed her so much! I am working on a road map of plans for my photography, my life, my goals, and what I want to do with myself. 

I guess the point is that it was ok that for two weeks I barely breathed, its ok that I ate only when I remembered occasionally, its ok that I am morning and was literally not ok for two weeks. When you break up everyone says to just pick up the pieces and move on that's the best thing to do. but I will always give everyone I talk to a two week pitty party before I try to do anything that they don't want to. my two weeks is way over due and I am going on. It is difficult but I am so happy I am. 

Well out with 2013 and in with 2014.

I am in complete shock. You all know about my girlfriend who I share a small studio apartment with. Well she is with me no more. We flew home to visit family for Christmas; on Christmas she text me and said that she wasn't flying home with me. I mean we had fought before and she had said that she was moving back home but when the fight ended we normally just knew that didn't really mean anything. Well I am sitting in the airport flying from Indiana to Philadelphia all by myself. I just don't even know what to do. I am so hurt! How can you love someone so much and do everything they ask and they still just throw you out the window. I am just beside myself.

We had a life. We had a plan. I thought we were happy. I offered to do anything I could to make this better. I promised to do whatever she wants. I am amazed that this has now happened to me twice! How do I go back to our apartment and live our life like nothing is wrong. I cry myself to sleep every night since. How do I pretend there is nothing wrong? How do I go on? I am so heavy. There is this terrible weight sitting inside my stomach that half the times threatens to make me throw up everything I have eaten in the last 12 days. The rest of the time it just reminds me how much I hurt. How much I feel like I am missing a piece of me. This is terrible. and I am just at a complete loss of what to do. I am in so much pain!