I smiled today.

I am really sorry about being completely MIA for an entire month. Needless to say I haven't had much to say anyways. School, work, photography, I was just going through the motions. I tried being by myself. I tried constantly being around people. I tried losing my self. I tried rebounds. I have tried ALOT of things. I am finding I actually kind of like who I am now. Here is the thing that is really baffling my mind right now. Why did I hate myself so much when I was with her? Its because she made me feel like someone who was terrible. No matter who I tried to be or what I tried to do I could always be doing this or should have done that. The only thing she ever loved was be breaking up her brother. I love her! and honestly if she called I would do anything for her and she knows it. but I am making friends. I have people who care about me and tell me the things I do are cool and enjoy seeing me. and hang out with me. People who like to talk to me and just call me because. Who think of me because they wonder if I am doing ok. I have GREAT people in my life. I know who I want to be today and that will change 15 times before noon tomorrow and that is COMPLETELY OK!!! I am still hurt and little things still set me off! but I am here. I am planning so many travel trips and photo excursions I can't even count them or begin to tell you about them. I mean if you want an idea go check out my Pinterest. I typically tend to pin them all anyways! I know what I want and I have a plan to get there. I am an adult and I am learning that you trip you fall and you pick yourself back up. That is the thing in life you learn to love. The greatest part is: I DO NOT NEED A MAN, A WOMEN, OR ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ANYMORE!!! I am a strong independent women and I can be that person by myself standing on my own two feet without another person on my spot light or even near my spot light. I LOVE IT!!!

Go out today do something that makes you feel empowered. make your self happy and make yourself smile! Do it. do it everyday! You will be so much happier and you will go in a direction you never thought possible! Smile genuinely!

The Butterfly Effect

It is literally so crazy how one thing can set off a whole string of things to change and develop in your life. Last time I wrote you all knew that Jess and I had just broken up. Well I have been single for almost 3 weeks now. I know its pathetic that I am keeping track. I am sure that will subside as the pain continues to leave. Right now I am getting back to normal. Days have become something I look forward to again. I am sleeping at night a little and I even smile some at real things. I can't lie and tell you that I don't miss her. I still believe we belong together but I am moving on by myself and I am making it work. Every break up has a thing you use as a tool to get over it. Sometimes those are rebounds, sometimes is throwing yourself into a project, sometimes its just being depressed for a while. Every relationship I have ever been in has been completely different. This one get a song, actually there is a whole play list of songs but one that sticks out particularly; "Stand Beside Me" By: Jo Dee Messina. The best line in the whole thing is: 


I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three timesI ended up south of Memphis workin' down in RiversideI may not be so lucky in loveBut the one thing I'm sure of


This literally has brought me more piece in the last few weeks than I can even being to explain. I have repainted my apartment, I am working a lot more. I am reading again like I use to. I am starting school again tomorrow and I am becoming happy with my own skin. I am working on it. Some nights I still cry, some days I still wish I was going home to her, and a lot of the time I still want to talk to her and be with her and support her through everything. but, I am moving on. I am making plans, I have reconnected with a friend from high school and we are talking all the time. I missed her so much! I am working on a road map of plans for my photography, my life, my goals, and what I want to do with myself. 

I guess the point is that it was ok that for two weeks I barely breathed, its ok that I ate only when I remembered occasionally, its ok that I am morning and was literally not ok for two weeks. When you break up everyone says to just pick up the pieces and move on that's the best thing to do. but I will always give everyone I talk to a two week pitty party before I try to do anything that they don't want to. my two weeks is way over due and I am going on. It is difficult but I am so happy I am. 

Well out with 2013 and in with 2014.

I am in complete shock. You all know about my girlfriend who I share a small studio apartment with. Well she is with me no more. We flew home to visit family for Christmas; on Christmas she text me and said that she wasn't flying home with me. I mean we had fought before and she had said that she was moving back home but when the fight ended we normally just knew that didn't really mean anything. Well I am sitting in the airport flying from Indiana to Philadelphia all by myself. I just don't even know what to do. I am so hurt! How can you love someone so much and do everything they ask and they still just throw you out the window. I am just beside myself.

We had a life. We had a plan. I thought we were happy. I offered to do anything I could to make this better. I promised to do whatever she wants. I am amazed that this has now happened to me twice! How do I go back to our apartment and live our life like nothing is wrong. I cry myself to sleep every night since. How do I pretend there is nothing wrong? How do I go on? I am so heavy. There is this terrible weight sitting inside my stomach that half the times threatens to make me throw up everything I have eaten in the last 12 days. The rest of the time it just reminds me how much I hurt. How much I feel like I am missing a piece of me. This is terrible. and I am just at a complete loss of what to do. I am in so much pain!