I still...

I still expect you to walk in the front door. I still expect your arms to wrap around me when I lay down to sleep. I still hope it's you when my phone rings. I still expect to see you grin and take a picture when I do something wierd. I still turn a corner and hope to see you standing there. I still get out the shower expecting you to ask me what movie we are watching. I still cook enough for two so when you get home you can eat too. I still turn around in the morning for my kiss to see your not laying there. I still say I am over you and am reminded everyday I am not. And I am not sure I ever will be. We are going on 2 months and I can't shake you from my brain or my memories. I still love you. 

My night is not sun shining

What makes it harder and harder is when that piece of hope slips. Every once in a while you feel it. You know you are holding into bad hope but then all of the sudden with no warning or note the hope pieces crumble like egg shells. There is no picking them back up and there is ok making it work. I want to so bad I want to glue all the pieces together and I want it to go back I want to rewind. I want my hope back I want to believe again. I can't. The world is terrible and everything about it is just as bad. I am such a bitch recently. But hell how can anyone else love me. Fuck I hate myself so there is no way. I know why I don't have friends and I am trying. It's freaking in possible.

I am going to wallow in alcohol and alice in wonderland. Have a great snow day Philadelphia. 

Em

My first surreal photograph

Ok guys I need someone to let me know what they think of this image. I can't post it on my normal critique page for fear of being judged about the content.  So good bad indifferent let me know what you think?? Please haha

Today's question

Today's question that is causing more anxiety than I care to say is who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What path do I take? I am just completely thrown. Its like every part of me wants to do so many different things. I feel like I am at that one part of a jigsaw puzzle where you have enough pieces put together to know that they are all there and they will go together but which piece goes where?  Part of me wants to move home and live in my parents house. I also want to move to Indy and live with a friend of mine and her family. Then I want to prove everyone wrong and make one hell of a home for myself in Philadelphia. I want to finish school then head to some other really exotic city. Today I want to hurry and finish school then move away just completely throw myself into traveling. I mean pick up and leave. Go somewhere and just wander my way around. No plans and nothing holding me anywhere. How do you make a choice. Everyday my life makes a choice and everyday and choice decides where I am going in life. How do you know you are making the right choice? what if I get part of the way down this road and I realize its not for me? Is it to late to back up and start over? UGH!!! How do you know!? How do you choose!? Help!!

Also check this out. I love it!

Why to never date a girl who travels. (Follow the link)

https://medium.com/better-humans/802c49b9141c

Don't forget I still need help!!!

I am struck by irony today.

As I attempt to figure out my style of photography, of who I want to be, as I struggle with so many questions like this I have been scouring the Internet for work to look at. I have skimming books and watching hot to videos. I am reading articles and wishing I had more creativity and skill ( I am aware that I have to work to get to these skills. Well my heart has been completely stolen by surrealism photography. The idea of conceptual photography and being able to create your work to be whatever you want to be. creating something out of nothing. The idea of being able to get a concept across in one picture is so impressive to me and I hope that I can do it one day!

the irony comes in now! As I brain storm day after day I am just trying to get the thoughts out on paper then I go back and attempt to decipher what I have written down. I realized today that I am in a field of pictures. I spend all day looking at pictures but when I look at my notes it is all words. I can't doodle or even get the pictures out of my head but when I look at the words I can see the image. I just thought that was funny.

Have a great day guys! And tell someone thank you! It really makes a difference.

The Butterfly Effect

It is literally so crazy how one thing can set off a whole string of things to change and develop in your life. Last time I wrote you all knew that Jess and I had just broken up. Well I have been single for almost 3 weeks now. I know its pathetic that I am keeping track. I am sure that will subside as the pain continues to leave. Right now I am getting back to normal. Days have become something I look forward to again. I am sleeping at night a little and I even smile some at real things. I can't lie and tell you that I don't miss her. I still believe we belong together but I am moving on by myself and I am making it work. Every break up has a thing you use as a tool to get over it. Sometimes those are rebounds, sometimes is throwing yourself into a project, sometimes its just being depressed for a while. Every relationship I have ever been in has been completely different. This one get a song, actually there is a whole play list of songs but one that sticks out particularly; "Stand Beside Me" By: Jo Dee Messina. The best line in the whole thing is: 


I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong
So I worked two jobs and I moved three timesI ended up south of Memphis workin' down in RiversideI may not be so lucky in loveBut the one thing I'm sure of


This literally has brought me more piece in the last few weeks than I can even being to explain. I have repainted my apartment, I am working a lot more. I am reading again like I use to. I am starting school again tomorrow and I am becoming happy with my own skin. I am working on it. Some nights I still cry, some days I still wish I was going home to her, and a lot of the time I still want to talk to her and be with her and support her through everything. but, I am moving on. I am making plans, I have reconnected with a friend from high school and we are talking all the time. I missed her so much! I am working on a road map of plans for my photography, my life, my goals, and what I want to do with myself. 

I guess the point is that it was ok that for two weeks I barely breathed, its ok that I ate only when I remembered occasionally, its ok that I am morning and was literally not ok for two weeks. When you break up everyone says to just pick up the pieces and move on that's the best thing to do. but I will always give everyone I talk to a two week pitty party before I try to do anything that they don't want to. my two weeks is way over due and I am going on. It is difficult but I am so happy I am. 

Well out with 2013 and in with 2014.

I am in complete shock. You all know about my girlfriend who I share a small studio apartment with. Well she is with me no more. We flew home to visit family for Christmas; on Christmas she text me and said that she wasn't flying home with me. I mean we had fought before and she had said that she was moving back home but when the fight ended we normally just knew that didn't really mean anything. Well I am sitting in the airport flying from Indiana to Philadelphia all by myself. I just don't even know what to do. I am so hurt! How can you love someone so much and do everything they ask and they still just throw you out the window. I am just beside myself.

We had a life. We had a plan. I thought we were happy. I offered to do anything I could to make this better. I promised to do whatever she wants. I am amazed that this has now happened to me twice! How do I go back to our apartment and live our life like nothing is wrong. I cry myself to sleep every night since. How do I pretend there is nothing wrong? How do I go on? I am so heavy. There is this terrible weight sitting inside my stomach that half the times threatens to make me throw up everything I have eaten in the last 12 days. The rest of the time it just reminds me how much I hurt. How much I feel like I am missing a piece of me. This is terrible. and I am just at a complete loss of what to do. I am in so much pain!